I often look back over the past few years while I’ve been dealing with this disease, and I come across thoughts I’ve written down to help me cope. 

This one was interesting and was written before I was given the incurable prognosis – at this point I had been through bowel surgery, 5 weeks of intense radiotherapy and 12 cycles of chemotherapy. We were still looking for a cure, albeit through pretty horrific surgery.

One of the biggest unseen consequences of cancer is the enormous pressure it puts on your loved ones, and the subsequent stress that it creates. This must have been a low point for me, one of frustration as everyone comes to terms with an extremely frightening new and different way of life

I don’t think I ever sent it…

TO THOSE HAVING TO LIVE WITH ME AND SUPPORT ME

(November 2017)

Thank you for your support

Just so people are aware I thought it might be helpful to let you know what I am dealing with every day

This is so that if I appear distant, angry, odd, quiet, you may appreciate why

It might also serve as a reminder as to why sometimes I might get angry or annoyed for reasons that you might think are irrational

I’ve got cancer. Diagnosed aged 48. Why me

It reoccurred. More bad luck. Why me

Its cancer. It is likely to kill me

Its travelled. Therefore, surgery is not curative

I will be a ticking time bomb

My life might not be long

I might not see my kids grow up

My best option currently is to remove all my pelvic organs and cut off my sacrum

I will have to learn to walk again

I will never wee or poo again normally

I will never be able to have sex or masturbate again

I will be wearing two bags for the rest of my life

I will not play football again

I may not ski again

I am full of drugs that make me feel crap

I can’t sleep

I can’t taste food and drink properly – my favourite thing in the world

I have put weight on due to drugs

I have not exercised for 10 months so am weak and unfit

I have a rash that makes me miserable

I have split fingers that hurt like hell

My hair won’t grow. I like my hair

I’m permanently tired

I am carrying the financial burden

I am not able to push my career where I want it to go

I can’t perform at 100% in order to earn more money

I can’t plan for the future

I am devastated for my boys having to go through this

I am sad for my wife for having to go through this 

I am sad for my sister and father for having to go through this

I am sad that my friends have to see this

I feel angry

I feel guilty

I feel sad

BUT

I am strong

I am defiant

I am determined

I will do everything I can to stay positive and get through this

AND I AM DOING THAT

AND I AM DOING IT PRETTY WELL

HOWEVER

I need to find ways to relax

I need to find peaceful moments

I need to de-stress

I need no drama

How can you help

Take away stress, don’t add to it

Give me space

Don’t argue – walk away

Don’t put me down

I am ok

I am coping

I know this is hard for you all but just help where you can

1 Comment

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